Connected Souls, Share Secrets, Part II
January 2006
The best title for Pat’s adoption story might be “necessity is the mother of invention” It’s ironic that The Mothers of Invention happened to be a popular band in the 60s when life changing events forced Pat into some tough decisions.
But while Marcia, profiled in the December issue of Fifty Plus Lifestyle Magazine of the Triangle, got pregnant when she was just 15 and truly was an admitted “child of the 60s,” Pat was not. In fact, she was just the opposite: a responsible, 27 year old working mother of 4, who found herself, as a divorcee, unexpectedly pregnant by a man she ultimately decided not to marry. Pat wasn’t especially young, impetuous or - particularly in psychic pain, as was Marcia – at that moment. She was dating and simply, like so many so often, experienced the unexpected for which she and her date were unprepared. Her decision to give up her son for adoption was based – like most – on a complicated series of factors.
 In an unusual twist, when Pat's ex-husband learned of her pregnancy, he convinced her that it would be best for their family if they would remarry. After some thought, Pat agreed. In part, it was to spare her family from shame of an illegitimate baby. So the two had a "quickie" wedding and moved to the west coast with their boys ages 7, 5, 4, and 3 years old. About a month before Dennis' birth, Pat realized she had made a big mistake and that, in order to give her baby a better life, she would have to give him up for adoption. Her life was a struggle emotionally and financially. She already had her hands full with four young children and a philandering, alcoholic husband.
Miles away from her family and friends, and believing that her lie was the best way, Pat told everyone that the baby had been delivered stillborn – until 25 years later when she revealed the truth to her close family and friends. Her sons were all grown men when they learned the truth.
A widespread sentiment expressed by many who’ve given children up for adoption is what’s described as an almost “instant bond” when reunited with that child. Pat explains, “The thing that has amazed me the most is how God has "bridged" those years for us. It feels as though Dennis has always been in my life in spite of the fact that I don't know all there is to know about the years before he found me and I don't have the memories of raising him from a baby. It doesn't stop either of us from loving the other completely.”
She says it was important to go public with her story because she explains : “If I can be of help in making people understand the pain a mother feels when she gives up a child ... the joy she has when that child is reunited with her ... the awesome feeling she has when she is able to connect and get to know the people who adopted her child ... perhaps more people would open their arms to reunions such as I have had. It makes me so sad to read stories about mothers who have had the chance to re-connect with the children they've given up and choose to reject them ... or children who don't want to meet their birth parents when the opportunity arises.”
As is frequently the case, it was Dennis who initiated the idea of contacting his birth mother. His adoptive mom, with whom he maintain a close and loving relationship, was resistant to the idea, at first. Dennis persisted. Birth mother Pat always believed that was the best way. She thought about Dennis and contacting him “all the time” she says, but explains : “The fear that he might not have been told he was adopted kept me from trying. If he had a good life, I didn't want to traumatize him by showing up on his doorstep all of a sudden. His finding me was a far better way for it to happen, although, I wish I had been more honest with my other sons from the beginning. All four of them were very hurt when they learned the truth about their brother ... something I could have spared them if I had just shared my decision right after I made it. I thought they were too young to understand. As the years passed, it became even more impossible to tell them.”
Pat says: “In telling my story, it is my hope that other women who have given their babies up for adoption will be more open to reuniting with them, understanding that it is a journey." Her advice: “tread lightly, be careful not to criticize or hurt people's feelings, have an open mind, know that there may be some anger on the child's part.” She goes on, “Always be mindful that having them back in your life is truly a gift from God and a privilege. I'm lucky and blessed. If Dennis has any anger at me for giving him up, he has never shown it. He always says: ‘I'm not looking at what's past. I'm just looking forward.’”
Over the years since their son’s reunion with his birth mother and other extended family, Dennis’ adoptive parents have embraced not just the idea but the entire “new family” as well. The experience has been enriching for all. The adoptive parents - both mother and father - and Pat share a deep, common bond; enduring love, respect and appreciation for a young man one birthed and the others raised. That bond has now grown into what they all see as an unbreakable connection. |
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