Connected Souls, Shared Secrets
By Lyn Jackson
December 2005

Holidays, often tough under the best of circumstances, are even more difficult for those with unfinished business. To find peace, the experts agree, reflect, renew, and resolve problems from your past, during the holidays or anytime. The sooner the better.

As we age, it is especially imperative to tie up loose ends. And, in the end, say those who have made the long, often laborious journey, it’s worth it. 

This is the story of two woman whose journey to peace is in progress. Each, although at a different time and place, made the same mistake – and both carried their secret for decades, in silence.

The first woman, Marcia Raines * was a typical boomer; born in 1954, raised in the radical ‘60s, caught in the haze of sex, drugs, rock and roll, she tried it all. Flash forward. Suburban mom, successful 6-figure career. Active social, community, and spiritual life. Contented and fulfilled, for the most part, but missing a significant, hidden part of her heart.

At age 14, snooping through her mother’s room, she discovered a key, a file cabinet, private papers and a secret that changed her life. She was adopted.

In an “aha” moment, Marcia says, although she was well loved and well cared for, she finally understood why she felt like an outsider, a misfit in her family. “It was really painful to find out she wasn’t my “real” mother. I idolized her and wanted to be like her but I knew I couldn’t. She was a well educated professional, an intellectual. I didn’t have her drive.”

After the discovery, Marcia first felt confused, angry and depressed, later, hurt and betrayed – as if her whole life had been a lie. When Marcia was dumped by a longtime boyfriend, this normal part of adolescent angst was compounded by the personal, private trauma of her parent’s lies. Shortly after, she found consolation and perhaps some revenge in the arms of a boy who cared little for her. There were, as usual, multiple reasons for her self-destructive behavior.

Baby “Derek”* was born the same week her adoptive mother remarried.

Both her mother and her step father were extremely helpful and supportive of Marcia’s decision to keep and raise the baby herself. But during the 3 and ½ months they all lived together, Marcia thought she was being unfair to them. She wanted her mother to be able to enjoy her new life alone with her husband.

Trapped, Marcia says she felt like she had no choice but to give Derek up for adoption – her decision alone - as she did not know how she could finish school, work and raise her son by herself, without help. Still, six months later, after second thoughts, she tried but was unable to reverse the adoption.

Marriage, moves, kids, careers. Two and a half decades passed. Then, the son Marcia had thought about and missed nearly every day for those 20+ years, found her through the internet. Everyone in Marcia’s family, though shocked by the discovery, was excited to finally meet “the lost one”, missing for so many years.

The reunion was joyous – in the beginning. Marcia says, “When I first met Derek, it was as if we had never been apart. He and I would practically finish each other’s sentences.” But the joy was tempered with sadness, grief and guilt -- great guilt.

While acknowledging that there are never any guarantees about how a child will turn out no matter who raises him, Marcia still thinks she would have done a better job than the people who adopted him -- and she still feels guilty. Now estranged from her son, she believes it is in part because he’s angry that she gave him up and that has not been able to forgive her. She says when he’s ready to work through that anger, she’ll welcome him back into her life.

“The number one fantasy is that you’re doing the best thing for your child. That he’s going to be with a perfect family and that you all ride off into the sunset – happily ever after. You think your sacrifice will make it all worth it, for the child. But sometimes the reunion makes you face reality and discover an awful truth: you might have been a better parent than the ones who adopted him, even if they looked great on paper.

“On Oprah, you see all these happy reunions and it’s all wonderful – but they don’t show you and nobody talks about what happens next; the guilt, the grief, the sadness. Giving him up is the greatest regret of my life. Still,” she adds, “at least now I know what happened to Derek and I don’t live with constant questions. For that I am grateful.”

At some point – and especially as we age, the experts advise, it’s important to try to “let  go” and in so doing, accept ourselves, flaws and all, realizing that we all made some good decisions along the way and some bad, but that we did the best we could at the time. Finally, the professionals add, seek at least a measure of peace and resolution - reflect, renew and while you still have the chance, tie up all the loose ends of your life.

For information about adoption reunions, contact Marcia by email: marcia.raines@gmail.com.

 
Part II – Pat’s story – look for it in the January issue of Fifty Plus Lifestyle Magazine of the Triangle.