Greg’s Croner July 2006
I am a BAD American
By Greg Petty

We have all had many items sent to us via email, some solicited some not, leading us to an Internet site with some pronouncement, video, spiritual thoughts or hopefully, a humorous joke.

The supposed comedy routine below, ‘I Am A Bad American” was credited to George Carlin in the hopes that it would be funnier coming from a famous comedian. I suspected it immediately and surfed the net (Isn’t Google is a wonderful thing?) and found www.BreakTheChain.org. George vehemently denies any connection to these sayings and cited his embarrassment at being linked to it.

All that being said, here is the “comedy” routine. I thought it would be fun to provide my response to each of these phobic, selfish comments made by some ultra-conservative American out there in Web world. It first appeared on the Free Republic message board as “I Am A Bad Republican” and attributed to “Bootyist-Monk.”

I Am A Bad American Attributed to “Bootyist-Monk”
With a Response by a Concerned American

Monk: I believe that the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some midlevel governmental functionary with a bad comb-over.
Greg: I believe the money I make belongs to me but I pay my FAIR SHARE of taxes in two states, unlike a large percentage of American corporations who game the system to PAY NO TAXES. I want the taxes I pay to be used for making America and the world A BETTER PLACE.

Monk: I am not in touch with my feelings and I like it that way, damn it.
Greg: I am in touch with my feelings and wouldn’t have it any other way.

Monk: I think owning a gun doesn’t make you a killer.
Greg: I think owning a gun is only OK if you are a hunter and it is a rifle. Our society is in really bad shape if you feel like you have to own a gun… let’s fix that. If the stats I heard are correct, America has more places to buy a gun than gas stations!

Monk: I don’t think being a minority makes you noble or victimized.
Greg: Go ahead; ask a minority (take your pick) if they have been victimized here. Listen to them. The minimum wage in America is $5.15 an hour. Pretty hard to feel noble at that rate.

Monk: I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you better do it in English.
Greg: English is our national language. Everyone planning on staying here should learn it. Everyone who has ever waited on me has been able to do so. What’s the problem? We are one of the few countries who do not make it a requirement for our school children to learn at least one other language proficiently. Wonder why we are called arrogant Americans?

Monk: My heroes are John Wayne, the Simpsons and whoever cancelled Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman.
Greg: My heroes are Mahatma Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Jr., Bono and, believe it or not, Bill Gates for his philanthropic activities.

Monk: I don’t hate the rich. I don’t pity the poor.
Greg: To whom much is given, much is expected.

Monk: I know wrestling is fake and I don’t waste my time arguing about it.
Greg: Who watches wrestling?

Monk: I’ve never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn’t wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt, I haven’t burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut the #$%! –up already.
Greg: Slavery was a blight upon the soul of America. We haven’t gotten over it. Face the facts. While we’re speaking about facts… get them straight. The Jewish people escaped from persecution in Egypt.

Monk: I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches. Where does he get his money? And why is he always part of the problem and not the solution?
Greg: I don’t care where Jesse Jackson preaches. Your view of what the problem is defines whether what he says is the solution. Maybe you should listen to him once in awhile–if nothing else but to get a viewpoint that does not agree with yours. Are you right every time?

Monk: I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry a__ if you’re running from them. I also think they have the right to pull your a__ over if you are breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.
Greg: Great… let’s just shoot everybody running, even for some minor offense. It is only after you get pulled over that the color of your skin matters.

Monk: I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don’t want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the next four years.
Greg: “Stupid” people did not cause voting problems. Problems were caused by very poor ballots, some designed that way deliberately. What is your excuse for all the eligible voters in Florida who were ILLEGALLY turned away from the polls? The 2000 elections in Florida, and elsewhere, were a national and international disgrace for the “home” of democracy.

Monk: I believe that it doesn’t take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.
Greg: Two parents for every child are vitally important but even they are trumped by what every child is exposed to in their community and actions of their peers. It is difficult to have high community participation, and thus impose standards, when both parents have to work full-time to survive.

Monk: I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now when I’m freezing my a__ through a long winter?
Greg: If you actually read what the experts have to say about global warming (try educating yourself before you sit down to write) you would already know: 1) Global warming is for real. If we don’t take the necessary actions we are going to experience catastrophes the likes of which you could not even dream up; and, 2) Global warming changes all weather patterns and intensifies the seasonal situation (hotter in the summer, colder in the winter, less rain during a drought, more rain during the rainy season)

Monk: If you too are a BAD American please forward this to everyone you know. We need our country back.
Greg: If you want your country back, educate yourself on the vital issues and the candidates, vote in every election. Vote for the person with the best ideas. You country has been taken over by big business, lobbyists and the failure of some of our elected officials. WE CAN TAKE IT BACK.